SERIES (Part 9)–UNDERSTANDING ADDICTION, RECOVERY, & WELLNESS: FAMILY
One serious result of addiction in the nuclear family, even for members who are not addicted, is that reality is distorted more or less for all members. That which most people would consider abnormal becomes the normal routine in the home where addiction is present for years. This distortion of reality is often passed on from generation to generation.
Process
The addicted/chemically dependent must use a wide variety of defense mechanisms to justify his/her addictive behavior e.g. denial, rationalization, minimizing, to name a few. All these defense mechanisms distort reality in the family in defense of the addiction. As a result over time reality becomes progressively more distorted. All nuclear family members are vulnerable but children are especially vulnerable in this process. If one looks at this process as a system to support this distortion, it has short term advantages. People can be more comfortable with not rocking the boat.
Examples of sabotage and enabling
Example 1
An 8 year old girl lives with a 35 year old alcoholic mother. Due to problems at work the mother goes to a 14 day residential treatment program. The child is ecstatic over now having a sober mother.
Still, the child is upset about not being able to eat as much ice cream as she wants or watch tv programs that she likes. The child can do what she wants when her mother drank at home nearly all the time. The child after a few weeks with sober mother starts acting out over all the new rules.
The result is that the sober mom in early recovery could relapse because of conflict and tension. The child is unknowingly sabotaging the recovery. This is the nature of enabling. It is often done unconsciously but it keeps the addiction going.
Example 2
A husband works in a factory and makes a comfortable income. He is arrested for impaired driving and goes to treatment for alcohol use disorder and does well. When using alcohol he brings his checks to his wife who kept the refrigerator full of beer. His wife makes all decisions about the children and how to spend the money. Now sober, he is asking how the children are doing and makes demands about disciplining the children. He now wants to know how the money is spent. Consequently, wife yearns for how things were and starts stocking the refrigerator with beer. As uncomfortable as this family is when husband is drinking, wife sets a situation where it is likely for husband to start drinking again. Wife still wants the power and control in the family system. Consequently, wife is sabotaging the recovery enabling addiction to continue.
Result
The point that I want to make is that addiction/chemical dependence effects the whole family. It often causes serious mental health problems. Family members will need professional help to break through the distortion of reality often going back generations. Many family therapists who work with families of alcoholics believe the women raised in these families tend to marry alcoholics.
In my practice I have noticed this first hand. Young women in treatment swear they would not tolerate a husband like their alcoholic father. Yet, seeing a boyfriend in session with her in the early stage of addiction fails to see that problems will get severely worse and that their father was not the same today when first married. . Of course, the young man in this example could correct this problem with treatment. Many family histories support the notion of the chemical dependency passes from generation to generation.
Conclusion
It would be good if parents educated their children, especially daughters, that their alcoholic/drug addictive fathers were much more attractive and fun when young. The attraction fades as the addiction grows. Strive to avoid partners using alcohol/drugs in a pathological/sick way.
This is a major reason why I am producing these posts. To break this cycle means that much pain and suffering will be avoided.
Next
The next post will get into the current epidemic of opioid addiction. There is much mis information out there about this topic that needs to be corrected. Check it out on Wellness Wednesday in a few weeks.
QUESTIONS
Do you have a specific question related to addiction and recovery? Please send your comments and questions to eaglekenj@gmail.com and I will cover it in a future blog post. Also, stay tuned for details regarding my online program, “Addiction, Recovery, Wellness.”
Kenneth J. Orlich, LMSW, LMFT, CAADC, ACSW is a clinical social worker, family and marriage therapist, and addiction specialist with over 35 years of experience working as a clinician with the addicted.
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